COWS AND POLITICS : DEMOCRAT: : You have two cows. : Your neighbor has none. : You feel guilty for being successful. : You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to : sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then : take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. : You feel righteous. : Barbara Streisand sings for you. : : SOCIALIST: : You have two cows. : The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. : You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. : : REPUBLICAN: : You have two cows. : Your neighbor has none. : So? : : COMMUNIST: : You have two cows. : The government seizes both and provides you with milk. : You wait in line for hours to get it. : It is expensive and sour. : : CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: : You have two cows. : You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. : : DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: : You have two cows. : The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support : a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from : your government. : : BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: : You have two cows. : The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you : for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. : : AMERICAN CORPORATION: : You have two cows. : You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. : You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. : You are surprised when one cow drops dead. : You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and : are reducing expenses. : Your stock goes up. : : FRENCH CORPORATION: : You have two cows. : You go on strike because you want three cows. : You go to lunch. : Life is good. : : JAPANESE CORPORATION: : You have two cows. : You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and : produce twenty times the milk. : They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. : Most are at the top of their class at cow school. : : GERMAN CORPORATION: : You have two cows. : You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give : excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. : Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. : : ITALIAN CORPORATION: : You have two cows but you don't know where they are. : While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. : You break for lunch. : Life is good. : : RUSSIAN CORPORATION: : You have two cows. : You count them and learn you have five cows. : You have some more vodka. : You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. : You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. : You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. : You produce your 10th five year plan in the last three months. : The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. : : TALIBAN CORPORATION: : You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. : You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private : parts. : Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were : in the hospital. : : POLISH CORPORATION: : You have two bulls. : Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. : : FLORIDA POLITICS: : You have a black cow and a brown cow. : Everyone votes for the best looking one. : Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. : Some people vote for both. : Some people vote for neither. : Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. : Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the : best-looking cow.
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They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed